Amy Vaughan:
Hello, everyone, and welcome to our weekly Power Lounge. This is your place to hear authentic conversations from those who have power to share. My name is Amy Vaughan, and I am the owner and Chief empowerment Officer of Together Digital, a diverse and collaborative community of women who work in digital and choose to share their knowledge, power, and connections. You can join the movement@togetherindigital.com and today’s guest is someone who has built her entire career around a deceptively significant, simple, but deeply powerful idea that transformation isn’t something that you wait for. It’s something that you design. Lauren, I did not ask how to pronounce your last name.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I want you to try it. Go ahead.
Amy Vaughan:
Okay. All right. So, Lauren LeMunyan.
Lauren LeMunyan:
You’re so close.
Amy Vaughan:
All right.
Lauren LeMunyan:
It’s like Paul Bunyan and the Philippines got together.
Amy Vaughan:
I love LeMunyan. All right. Lauren LeMunyan. Even saying it together is fun. She is a certified master coach, speaker, and CEO of Spitfire Coach, and the creator of Future Self Design, a transformative framework that helps leaders move beyond goal setting and into actually embodying the person they are becoming known for. Her direct yet deeply intuitive approach, Lauren works with individuals and teams to break through intent. Works with individuals in teams too. To break through internal barriers, strengthen psychological safety, and create sustainable, meaningful change. If you’ve ever set a goal, made a plan, and still feel like something deeper needs to shift first, this is the conversation with you. For you. Good golly, it’s Friday. Lauren, welcome to the Power Lounge.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here.
Amy Vaughan:
Me, too. And that’s one of the shorter intros I’ve had to read, so I don’t know why. Oh, no, I know why. I was stumbling over my words. I’m going to go ahead and throw out my excuse and get vulnerable and share that I’m recovering from concussion. Don’t worry, everyone. I’m okay. It does make you a little more tongue tied. Yeah. I know we talked about so much before we even came on the air, and, you know, I didn’t touch on that, but, you know, the show never would have started, but yeah. So anyhow, I, you know, we’re here, we’re good, we’re all upright, and I’m excited to learn more about you, share more about what you’re doing and your philosophies, because I can already tell just from the last, like, 10 minutes of us talking, our members and our listeners need to know you, and they need to reach out after this as well. So the name Spitfire Coach, that feels very intentional and very spicy. I love it. What is the origin story there and what does it tell us about your philosophy as a coach?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah, so the name Spitfire coach came together in a meditation at the first weekend of my coach training. And when I stepped into the room, I was a mess. I was going through a divorce. I was 31 years old. And I thought I had everything together as my life was falling apart and I’d never really sat in stillness. And they walked us through a guided meditation. And I had this moment where everything went white. There was this bright light and I heard this voice. You are the Spitfire coach. And the reason that that ties together is because as a kid, I was always called a Spitfire. Like, I learned how to crochet at ST. I had my first business at 12. I paid my way through school at Rutgers selling hats, scarfs, and baby apparel. Like, I was just always going, go, go. And so to me, like, spitfire has always been this powerful word. And when you can teach people to spit their own fire, and that doesn’t mean that you have to be an extrovert or like, you know, be loud and out there, but like, when you can really harness your power, it activates in other people, like showing up aligned and authentic.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And to me, when the more I started digging into Spitfire, I realized the negative connotation because honestly, anything associated with not very positive, it’s meant to, like, put us in the box and contain us. And it’s like, you’re too much. And I’m like, screw that. You can’t handle this. I can handle myself. And if you can’t get on my level, take a seat and let me know when you’re ready. So that’s kind of the ethos of everything. And the ironic part is as I was getting started in my practice 10 years ago, I was told by two men I thought I really respected their opinion. They said, Lauren, if you use this name, Spitfire coach, you’re never going to do business with a corporation. And I’m here to tell you that most of my clients are corporate because people want to have that motivation, that fire, the inner fire. They don’t really know what it means yet, but they’re like, we need something different than the cookie cutter, jargony nonsense, old white dude crap leadership books that are out there. They know it doesn’t work. And the stuff that we bring to the table absolutely does.
Amy Vaughan:
I love, love, love, love that origin story. I know a lot of our listeners can relate and, yeah, receive feedback, but you don’t have to take it. So sorry, fellas.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I love that.
Amy Vaughan:
I love men.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I love men. But listen, this is the matriarchy. It’s coming in. Get ready for it.
Amy Vaughan:
Roll up your sleeves, folks. No, I love that. And again, like, I think when you’re going through coaching certification, that has to be a challenge, right? Like you said, because on the surface, it probably appeared like you had everything together, but inside, everything was falling apart. But to me, I think that’s where you find the opportunity to sort of. You. You learn through what you go through, right? And it’s like, you can’t. It’s hard to coach other people that are living lives, especially going through something like divorce. Divorce is like having children.
Amy Vaughan:
I can’t put words to it. I can’t describe how it changes the way that you see the world, you see yourself, the way that you think. And I think about that. Even if I had to go back in time and describe any of those things to me. My younger self, I don’t. I don’t think I could do it justice. So I think having that experience is tremendous. It’s not a downfall. It’s like, oh, my gosh, she’s been through it. She. What she’s speaking of. And so I think from a lot of that experience and through your stillness and meditative moment, you kind of started working through building your practice, and then you created the future self design, which is a distinct form of traditional goal setting. What’s the official difference? And what do you feel like? What made you feel like the existing frameworks that are out there weren’t maybe enough? Yeah.
Lauren LeMunyan:
So, you know, when I went through coach training and, you know, some other frameworks, like, I have a bunch of certifications I won’t bore you with, but, you know, people are all about smart goals. And I’m like, these are so boring. Like, specific, measurable, like actionable, reasonable, timely. Honestly, it just recreates what we’ve always done. And the more I was coaching people and working on my own stuff, we’re using the same process, we’re using the same resources to recreate, trying to, like, stretch us, but we’re doing the same thing over and over again. And as I was going through my own, like, mentoring process and getting my master certified coach credential, I worked with a mentor, and she said this quote that will always stick with me. And I. I will continue to repeat it.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Where your focus goes is where your energy grows. And so if we’re constantly circling around the problem and what’s not working we are reinforcing that belief system, we’re reinforcing the process, we’re reinforcing the thoughts. And so future self design is about. We can start with what we don’t want. But I’m going to challenge you on what’s on the other side of that coin. What is it that we do want when this isn’t there? Who do you now become? Because otherwise we can create vision boards like I do vision boards. I used to do abstract painting, vision board workshops. It was so much fun.
Lauren LeMunyan:
But what it was missing is the. And what? How am I different when I’ve gone on these vacations, when I have this house, when I have this relationship, when I’m working out? Like, how am I different and how do I start embodying it now? Because we can have the experiences and do the things and then think we’re going to become the person. But the reality is when it all comes together and becomes sustainable and creates that neural pathway forward, we embody those qualities today to then do the things, to have the life and the experiences that reinforce it. And when we don’t work that pattern, we’re actually going to get more frustrated, create more inflammation and stress, and then wonder, why can’t I have that life now? This is not to say that systemic barriers do not exist, but what I’m saying is how do we address them and find the wiggle room for us to take ownership of the things that are in our power and control?
Amy Vaughan:
I love that. I was trying to think of a good real world example because what you said was so tremendous. I don’t know if you can think of any specific real world examples, but it is one of those things where it’s like, I just did a video on this actually and I shared it on Instagram and LinkedIn about how career pathing is dead and how we often just think that it’s like a linear path, it’s a five year plan, but then life happens. And you’re also, you’re constantly looking into the future. You’re never being fully present and taking care of what’s now. And so it sounds more like what can I do, excuse me, on this day, in this minute, to be fully aware, be fully present. Because it’s more about becoming the person that you want to be every minute of the day, not like three years from now, five years from now. Because if you don’t start taking those micro changes, right, and those little steps, even in the present, how are you ever going to get there?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Absolutely. So it’s about stacking the micro decisions, like deciding I’m going to speak to myself positively today or I’m gonna go outside instead of engaging in some chaos. The whole thing of like, a title, a salary is going to make me happy is the lie that we’ve all been told. So I don’t blame people for doing career planning that way, but once you know better, you do better. And I was making myself sick in the corporate world. Like, I worked in association management and I was traveling the world and running a CrossFit gym and like, I was just literally grinding myself down. And so anytime someone’s like, the hustle, the grind, I’m like, I work hard, but I do what I love and I nap, I rest, I ask for help. And to me that’s sexy.
Lauren LeMunyan:
So this whole, like, I’m going to sweat it out and grind it out. Nobody gets an award for, like, doing it by themselves and like, ending up in a hospital bed because you work too hard. But that is the capitalistic myth that we have all been fed our whole lives. So now that you know you can do better. So the question is, when you make X amount of dollars, who are you? How are things different for you? What changes about your life? And if you can’t answer those questions, then you have to start somewhere else, which is, what do you honor and value now and what do you want to honor and value about yourself and your life later on? All those little, like, tangible, you know, consumptive things are just byproducts. If you don’t know who you are and who you want to become, you have no business putting yourself on a path that’s going to kick your ass and wear you down. You’re going to be bitter and resentful.
Amy Vaughan:
So, so true. And burnout, right? Because we keep hearing about that term, always over and over again.
Lauren LeMunyan:
That is what it’s about. I’m so glad you touched on burnout, because all relationships break down from unmet expectations. And that includes your career. You have an assumption of what you expect to get out of it, how you’re going to be rewarded, how you’re going to be recognized and acknowledged. And when it doesn’t happen, you’d spin up, spin up, because I just need to do more. And if you’re a high performer, you’re just raising the bar each and every time. And before you know it, it collapses down. And a vacation is not going to
Amy Vaughan:
solve it for you. Heck no. And we know that pay raise and promotion ain’t coming.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And even if it does, taxes are Taking it away or you’ve already sent it?
Amy Vaughan:
Yes. So I think what you’re speaking to right now, Lauren, is going to be the story of our generation. I think that we all kind of got fed that load of life, go to college, rack up these expenses and debts, get yourself out of school, get a job, make six figures, get the highest title that you can. And y. So we have a whole generation of very burnt out people. And I do feel, and I’m glad you’re saying this because it is like a sense that I get from our together digital community that I get from the marketing collaborative community I have here in Cincinnati. Just this bigger movement towards, you know, and again, this ties back to what I shared yesterday too, funny enough. Like so well of our core values and passions. It’s not that you have to take your passion and make it a profession. It’s just that that is more possible and more plausible now than ever. And if you don’t have a passion and a purpose behind you, do like you said, no paycheck, no title will ever sustain you. Will ever sustain you. There’s too many things going against you there. Go ahead.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I want to add one thing onto that because I feel like, and I heard this on another podcast, so I’m not going to say it’s my own individual idea, but I want to incorporate it in. That purpose is not about you just offering, but you being in community with people. What is your add on collectively? Because we as human social beings are not meant to be alone. That is also part of the myth. That is why we’re in the trouble we’re in. We all became isolated, became individualistic. The more collective we can be, the more we help each other, the more we evolve up.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, I agree. Oh my gosh, I wish you weren’t moving all the way to Denver. We could just hang out and chat, have drinks all day, and travel. There’s so much I do. Oh, yeah, same. I want to go. I want to come to Colorado. Sounds more fun. Cincinnati’s all right. No, I hate Cincinnati, but, oh, 100%. That’s why I have together digital and the marketer collaborative is that that loneliness epidemic is. And we have to start recognizing the power of community and collaboration and what it has to offer us. You started to kind of talk about this a little bit, but I want to come back to it to make sure that we kind of hit it on the head hard for these ladies because we’ve got a lot of smart, capable women listening. When they set goals, they put them on paper often because we know writing them down right increases the likelihood that they will stick, but then they don’t fully stick. What is happening beneath the surface when this happens? Would you say?
Lauren LeMunyan:
So part of the process of future self design addresses just this because we have an idea like this is the goal, but we don’t focus on what the outcome is and we also aren’t addressing the obstacles that can pop up. So if we can objectively list out the obstacles, whether they’re internal or external, and then connect them to resources that we already have or we might need, that’s where the community comes in and then examine where our gifts and experience and expertise are. We haven’t mapped out the plan. So I have this whole theory about it’s not procrastination. There’s four lacks. You either lack information, resources, a plan or the desire to do it. So if it’s any of those four things and it might be a combination, it’s worth exploring. But if it’s not lighting you up, if it’s not bringing you joy, it’s just another checklist chore item.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And I think that’s what goal setting has turned into. Like I’m like, like whatever, I’ll knock it out. Like I have no problem getting duels. But to me I want a learning goal. That’s what really inspired me. I was like, yes, stop with the smart goals. It’s gotta stretch you. It’s gotta challenge you to have new conversations, look into new information. Critical thinking is challenging. Like get out of Claude and chat GPT and start having conversations and asking really curious questions because otherwise you were repeating the same patterns. And that’s not going to get you excited, that’s not going to fire you up. And getting those neuropathways going kind of
Amy Vaughan:
reminds me of a framework in which I’ve evaluated employees before . In the past a mentor gave me it’s like is it a skill hill or will it be a problem? If it’s a skill, what, what new skill do I need to learn? What’s that barrier obstacle that’s keeping me from actually obtaining whatever it is that I want to obtain or do? Hill. Is there a personal hill? Is there something happening in my life or is it a financial barrier? Like what other hills type of barriers are there? And then will be just sheerly that you just don’t have the passion like you think you should check it off. I’m, I should run a marathon. I’ve never run a day in my life. Not me personally. I do run a little bit. Not a lot, but like I’ve never run a day in my life, but like I’m going to run a marathon because that seems like a good goal based on what everybody else says is a good goal. So then it’s like, okay, yeah, I can get the skill to run. I can’t. I might hit some hills because I’m probably going to get injured if I’ve never run before. But truly like the will, if the will is not there, you’re never going to show up for it.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah. You know, you said some very critical words in there that are usually red flags for me when I’m coaching people that I always dig in on should and seems because those are coming from outside of you and they’re usually like really embedded belief systems. So I’m gonna immediately address it. Right.
Amy Vaughan:
I love it.
Lauren LeMunyan:
These are things to also be aware of, like getting, getting like a spiral bound notebook. And like how many shoulds have you said to yourself in the day and where do they come from and where can you rewrite that that would actually support you if it’s something you want to do. And also it’s okay to quit things. I quit a master’s program and I felt amazing. It wasn’t for me. I had a panic attack. It was great. I just was like, nope. And I got out.
Amy Vaughan:
You don’t be surprised how nice quitting can be. Sometimes I feel that quitting is amazing.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I quit my marriage, I couldn’t quit my job. I quit my master’s program. Because you decide you choose.
Amy Vaughan:
There’s your power choices, power, choices, power. And we, we jokingly say that is stop shooting all over yourself around the TD in the TD chats. So yeah, but here’s the thing.
Lauren LeMunyan:
You have to replace it with something else because in the same way that we don’t want to keep focusing on the problem and circling around that we have to give ourselves something positive. Not like toxic positivity, but like, like something constructive to aim towards. So if it’s not shoulda, shoulda, shoulda, it’s like I want to. I can, I am, I’m doing it. I’m in motion. And that positive like, formation, creation speak is what builds that micro, like each little brick and builds you that staircase that’s going to support you in a strong foundation to whatever future you want.
Amy Vaughan:
Well, that reminds me too of what you talk about with embodying your future self before the evidence arrives. It takes a lot of trust in yourself. Right. How do you, how would you help someone build that kind of intentional confidence when maybe the external proof isn’t there yet.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Well, the amount of body, mind, body disconnection that’s there is so, so thick. And so a lot of it is just getting people in touch with sensations. So feelings are just sensations with a thought to follow. So I first have to recognize what my body is feeling. And a lot of people have numbed out, out. Like it is a coping mechanism. So literally just like checking in with yourself, like you’ll notice me, just do this because this is my, how I regulate myself. So I do a lot of chest tapping because all of my likes stress and, and signals are very trust and chest based.
Lauren LeMunyan:
So anywhere is just kind of like acknowledging your body because it is this amazing vessel of signals. And when we listen to it, when we honor it, we build that inner trust, but we ignore it. And I like to tell my clients, like, listen, first it’s going to whisper, then it’s going to talk to you, then it’s going to scream and then it’s going to paralyze you. So it’s your choice when you want to start picking up on it and doing something about it. And so the more that we can start to say, okay, this is a sensation. I’m having a sensation in my body and then picking up the thought because the thoughts are deeply embedded from when we were, you know, birth to seven years from things that we’ve picked up to basically make ourselves safe. We were just absorbing things. And so now as adults, as fully formed human beings, assuming that your prefrontal cortex is fully developed after the age of 25, you now have the ability, and I’m going to say the, the responsibility to be in line with your thoughts and to examine them.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And if you aren’t ready to do it, working with a professional to help you sort that out, whether it’s a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, but really get in check with that because it’s not just about mantras but about the curiosity of like, like, where did that come from? How did it serve me then and how can it serve me now? By reformatting in a better way. And so it’s not just, here’s my list, I’m writing it down, but it’s what is the belief system, the thought system, the sensations in my body that are open and expansive that are going to support me in getting that done and also celebrating myself along the way.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, I love that. Yeah, those are really good practices. It kind of reminds me too of Untamed Glennon Doyle and her, her book. But then there’s also like a workbook that you can get after. And Honest found the workbook way more useful and helpful because it puts it all into practice. The threads.
Lauren LeMunyan:
The Threads universe is not a fan of her. I’m just going to tell you that.
Amy Vaughan:
I know, I know, I know. Yeah, I know. But you know, the content that’s out there is really helpful and useful. People aside, it’s kind of like me in music. I’m like, I love their music, but I hate that person.
Lauren LeMunyan:
So all of these are universal principles. Everything I’m saying is just my take on it. So I’m not groundbreaking. I’m never going to claim these as my independent research. This is my interpretation of what I’ve picked up. Depth.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, no, super helpful. Okay, let’s talk about those inner obstacles some more then. Because I think that’s what we’re kind of hovering in and around. Right. Is like the shoulds in the woods or coulds or ought tos, whatever. What are some of the most common ones that you see that are quietly keeping, maybe specifically women stuck even when they look shy. Successful from the outside?
Lauren LeMunyan:
This one might surprise you. Fear of success. Even though you’re successful, if you truly stepped into your version of success, you would have to change many aspects of your life to support it. All the things you’re tolerating.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Are going to have to go. There’s a shedding that happens when you fully evolve into your true power. There are people who are not meant to go along with you. That’s what happened in my divorce. I lost a lot of friends. It needed to happen every time. I’ve kind of had another seven year life revolution. It’s like there is, there is a takeaway that happens. It might be family members. I cut some family members off too. But it’s examining who in my life is adding towards this like amazing movement. Who needs to go to kind of the acquaintance level realm and who do I just need to remove and just put that boundary and barrier down? Because if we’re not taking an inventory of that, we are tolerating things that are below our vibration and are going to pull us down, down. Especially when we’re trying to evolve because they just don’t understand it. They want people to be at their level. It’s like the giraffe and the tortoise. I think it was TD Jenks that said it, but it was like if you are a giraffe and you’re up in the trees that tortoise can’t understand, like what you’re seeing.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And so they want you to come down to your level, but it’s going to harm you. And you can say, hey, when you’re ready to come up here, like, it’s great, but like we can have this type of relationship, but I can’t come down to your level because it really hurts me. So that’s basically what it is. It’s like understanding that in order for you to truly step into your power, there are going to be some things that are going to change and that, that change and that rewriting of the script is really painful because you have to acknowledge, like there’s probably some things that I, that I did, that I continue to do that are harming me. And that knowledge is really painful. But once you can address it and say, you know what, I deserve better, I deserve to treat myself better and to truly go there, that’s, that’s what can open it up. But the more that you don’t address it, you stay in these loops and you talk the talk and you have the face on, but you’re not really aligned in it.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah. And you’re staying in the box. Right. Because as women we have the double edged sword. We were successful and we’re perceived as a. Honestly, like we’re not, they see it, right. We are less liked when we are perceived as successful. And so there’s not even just the fear of success alone, but it’s the fear of perception of success. So like you might even not by your own terms be successful, but even by looking at it, you’re already getting dinged.
Lauren LeMunyan:
We are in an impossible situation given the current societal framework. Like it, but it, but it is that way by design. So that acknowledgment and so it’s not just the internal obstacles, but acknowledging the external obstacles. Misogyny is a real thing and it is, it is designed to keep us small. And once we can address that, then we can see it as a game. You are always going to do your thing. You’re going to be a woman hating and trying to put us in the box. So let me take a different route. Let’s see where we can go. So once we can just list it out, then we can look at, well, what do I know? Who do I know? What can I do? And then things start to open up differently.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, I love it. I love that. Great answer. I’m never going to forget the tortoise and the giraffe. Now it’s such a good analogy. I don’t think I’ve heard that one yet. I love it. All right, so I think everyone who’s listening, and by the way, live listeners, I see you, they loved the fear of success. They agree. That’s legit. If you have questions for Lauren, as we’re going through this, I do have time in the show to make sure that we can hit on your questions. So if you’ve got them, drop them in the chat. We love that you’re listening live. All right, so. And like I was saying, those who are listening, they’re probably at different points of their life or seasons of reinvention. Right.
Amy Vaughan:
And there’s sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between if it’s like a season of reinvention, like I’m going through a divorce and now my whole identity as a person, my livelihood, my finances, my home situation, everything’s changing versus maybe just feeling restless. How does someone know when they’re genuinely ready for and because it doesn’t have to be a life event, right. For that next chapter versus when they need to do something different within their current one.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I think we’re always on that cusp if we listen. And I think yes, there are moments of like, just like that acknowledgment of like, I really love where I am. I’ve been going through this season in my life too. I am 21 months old. We are about to. I’m a military spouse. So so much of my life feels out of control as I’m running a 10 year old business and so I have to constantly examine what’s best for me, what’s working, what’s not working. So that, like mind, body connection is so important. And I think, you know, if you feel any friction and I mean that like 10 sensations wind up like whatever it is that you can kind of acknowledge as being some. My body’s trying to tell me something by just sitting in silence and asking like, what are you trying to tell me? Like having that inner voice conversation. Because we are always exposed to new things.
Lauren LeMunyan:
We are always thinking and processing. Like our brains are always looking for patterns. And so I think just having a daily practice of just saying, hey, what’s working? And what, what might I want to explore or check out whether you’re going through a divorce, whether you are a new mom, whether you’re about to get married, whether you’re starting a new job, whether you’re starting a new business or whether you’ve been doing all of this this, and you feel like maybe I want to do something different, I don’t know. But I think when you can eject curiosity because that’s the opposite of judgment, it just allows it to be part of a practice versus it being like, I must follow this playbook, I must do it this way. And that’s, and that’s the problem that I see with self help books and like, that space is that my story.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And I have a book. So I’ve written many books, but my story and my journey worked for me. And I always say when I teach, think of it as a buffet. Take what you want, try it out. If it works for you, take some more of it. If it doesn’t work for you, put it away. But try it. See how it works. And that’s what critical thinking is. So don’t absorb it as absolute truth. It is my truth. Your truth is going to look a little different. Might look a lot different, but I think the freedom to explore, the freedom of choice again, is where you can really harness that energy and feel empowered. Instead of feeling like I have to have the right answer, I have to make the right decision about my life. I need to be this kind of person, open it up to explore. And we’re constantly changing. If you met me when I was 21, I was a complete asshole. I’m.
Amy Vaughan:
I’m so different.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I didn’t like you back then. You’re meant to change and evolve. That’s the beauty of all of this. I’m sorry, am I allowed to curse on this podcast?
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, I already dropped the B word, so. Yeah, you’re fine. I love that. I think that, Yeah, I think what you’re encouraging is stillness, which is a really hard thing for people to do. And I don’t think stillness has to be in a cave. Be meditating. Although that sounds glorious to someone like me, I think what it does mean is slowing down with intention from time to time. Whether that’s like once a month, once a quarter, once a week, whatever looks attainable to you. Because I also feel like we, especially women, find our value in productivity. Right. It’s another checklist, which is why a lot of these self help books look like checklists and frameworks. Because it’s like, if I can just take their answers and apply it to my life, it’ll work. But then you get overwhelmed because there are so many. I’m like, I think that’s the fastest growing section in the bookstore. If you can, if you still have a bookstore near you. Is that the self help section? And I love it. I love it. I’ve always loved self help, but for me, I’ve definitely taken that philosophical approach as well, where it’s. It’s adaptive, you know, it’s. It’s all data and information.
Amy Vaughan:
And I love your buffet analogy of like, I can take this and if it works and it’s. It’s great. Same thing with parenting advice. Then I’m gonna take it and work with it. But it might not work for everybody because kids are different, parents are different, home lives and situations are different. So, yeah, I really do love that. That idea of it’s not. Not. Maybe it’s not even about, like, that full, Full end goal. Right. That full end picture. Because it’s like, are you. There’s this invisible summit we try to keep climbing and how do you ever know if you’ve gotten there? To me, it’s like what you’re saying is it’s just a constant evolution of who you are and where you want to be. And you can’t do that if you don’t stop and look around. If you’re just hoofing it up that mountain constantly, it’s just never. You’re never going to get there.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
You’re going to collapse, most likely. Right.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And all you need to do is turn around and look at everything that’s around. You do everything. Like.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And I think that that is the one thing that you can do. Like, don’t even put like, I know this is a podcast and I have a podcast too, but go outside with nothing. Yes. Leave your phone at home and just go walk. Whether you’re in a city, whether you’re in the country, like, give yourself 20 minutes to just walk and notice. Be aware. Pick things up. That’s where self awareness comes in. By first being aware of your environment and your surroundings.
Amy Vaughan:
Yep. I love it. It’s a mindfulness walk and meditation. Right?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Exactly.
Amy Vaughan:
There’s some of those online if you want to listen to them. If it helps, if you need guidance. I’ve started recently going back to, like, since I’m driving to and from the office again, like, I hadn’t been for six years. I will drive. And this sounds probably pretty psychotic to some of you. I. I listen. I don’t have anything on radio, no podcasts. I don’t make phone calls. My phone is in my purse in the backseat of the car and I just drive and notice while I’m driving. Part of that was also my concussion recovery because I was too paranoid.
Lauren LeMunyan:
But sometimes your body leads you to what you need.
Amy Vaughan:
Right.
Lauren LeMunyan:
100.
Amy Vaughan:
Well, then I also realized I could hack my. My whole healing process, because apparently after brain trauma, neuroplasticity increases. Yeah. So I actually am making more new neural pathways now than I was before I hit my head. So.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
You know, silver lining and all. Yeah.
Lauren LeMunyan:
My husband had one. A seizure last summer, so he. He actually. He had brain surgery, and so I’m seeing that now happen with him. Yeah, he almost died. That’s a whole other podcast. But, yeah, but it was through that process of, like, I was, like, whispering stuff, actually, I was yelling in his ear many things. But I was giving him future points to focus on with our daughter, with his boys, sailing, traveling. Like, even though he was unconscious, I was, like, feeding him with this stuff. And he remembers that. He doesn’t remember anything else.
Amy Vaughan:
Oh, wow, that’s so cool.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
See, you just affirmed my nerdiness. Thank you. I appreciate that. And I’m so glad that he made it through and he had you beside him. That’s amazing.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah. I don’t want to be doing the widow’s keynote. That’s it. No, thank you.
Amy Vaughan:
Nobody wants that.
Lauren LeMunyan:
I do the resilience keynote. I don’t want to do the widow’s keynote.
Amy Vaughan:
Right, exactly. Well, I’m glad. I’m glad he’s doing better. That’s scary stuff. Yeah. All right, so you have worked with both teams and individuals on psychological safety is a big. That gets thrown around a lot. How does a leader’s relationship with her own future self show up in the culture that she creates around her?
Lauren LeMunyan:
That is a big question. I want to just first dive into, like, psychological safety as a spectrum, not as a binary. Because I’ve heard it, like, we have psychological safety. We don’t have psychological safety. You are constantly building towards it or taking it away in the same way that you’re building and. And. And reducing trust. And so I like to tell people when I’m teaching this that you are a culture architect. As a leader, you have a responsibility of creating the space, of creating the standards for the space, and also enforcing when there’s a violation of the psychological safety and the trust. And so when you see something, when you become aware, you need to do something about it. Now, it doesn’t mean that you need to reprimand someone or anything else, but you have to address it in the moment or it starts to build. But before you can do that, you, as a leader need to be safe in yourself. You need to be regulating. You need to understand, like, I am triggered. Here I’m having, you know, baggage. Like, everyone’s got baggage. Like, I like to say that I help people heal from their workplace trauma because we all have it.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Like, my first job, I had a stack of papers thrown at my head because I got promoted. And it was awful. Like, my first three. Those six months in, like, like, had sexual harassment where the boss, the CEO of the nonprofit I was working for, called my hotel room and said he was going to come read me bedtime stories. I was terrified. Terrified. And at the same point, I was then, like, called other names because this woman was threatened by me. Like, it was. It was a wild time. But I was not psychologically safe. And so a lot of my bad practices as a manager were because I didn’t have a positive example to follow. Fellow. And so a lot of my thing was being reactive. And so now being in the space to help people, I can acknowledge. Listen, this is what happens when we’re not taking care of ourselves. When we’re not facing our own baggage and history.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Because in psychological safety, you might be one of those. Those people that, like, when you get a deadline, when you’re under stress, you perform really well. Or you might be the person that when those same elements in the environment happen, you are going to have a safety response where you are trying to protect yourself. And one isn’t better than the other, but we reward the performance response. And so just because that’s true doesn’t mean that we. We have to be able to neutrally address it. And exactly what you were saying before, like asking the questions and feedback. I always like to say, what’s the way forward here? How do we create?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Co. Create a plan together to either work together to resolve it or work together to see a way out. Because sometimes it’s just a misfit, and that’s okay, but we got to keep it objective. We have to have high levels of intellectual friction and low levels of social friction, meaning it’s not about the personal stuff. And when you have that baggage coming in, the storytelling and what we make up about people is not the truth. It’s what we’ve picked up and what we’re applying now. That person might be a jerk or whatever, but they’re taking away your power in the process. So we’ve got to sort through our own stuff, make sure we’ve cleaned up our house in our backyard before we invite people over or start judging other people about their neighborhoods.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes, I like to say, don’t get it. Don’t get furious. Get curious before you start to judge somebody else’s actions. I mean, I’m curious.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Is so constructive, though. Like, it gets things done.
Amy Vaughan:
Oh, believe me, I love to. Oh, I will use this out of my anger when I need to for the right things, but I think so.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Good. I’m so good at cleaning and organizing when I’m pissed off.
Amy Vaughan:
Oh, hell yeah. Well, and then I think not only that, but it’s just like, how long will I let the anger consume me? And it does build and create so much energy. It’s like, what. What can I actually do constructively with this? Like, just being ragey and mad and angry. Inventing it serves a purpose to a point. But then after a while, it’s like, who am I really serving? And it’s like jumping to conclusions. Not to bring up another controversial lady, but Brene Brown. I got to hear her speak at Design Week back in, gosh, 2011, before anybody really knew who she was.
Amy Vaughan:
And she told this story about how this other professor at the University of Texas where she was working and starting to kind of put together grant writing for her shame research. Ironically, this woman was very dismissive of her in her meeting as she was kind of reading her proposal and she was under this tremendous deadline and stress and she’d worked so hard and she was just mad because this woman was like on her phone the whole time and she went home and made up this entire story and narrative about how this woman was against her and didn’t want her to also have the money or the recognition or she was jealous and was just going on and on about the stuff to her husband, only to find out after she sends a very scathing, vicious email to the woman, basically telling her off for being so dismissive of her that her dog had died, her family dog had died, that she’s apologized. She’s like, I should have canceled that meeting. But I knew how it was, how important it was to you. I was not able to be fully present. It was our 16 year old last lab and I was devastated. Like, we were literally making the choice as I was texting on my phone in that meeting.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
I’m like, oh.
Lauren LeMunyan:
So exactly what you’re saying is called the ladder of inference. So we’re taking the things that we’re observing and we’re applying meaning and assumptions to them. And that is usually never the truth.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah.
Lauren LeMunyan:
But I think if we can approach it, how do we operate on the same team?
Amy Vaughan:
Yes.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Like, anytime my husband and I have conflict now, I was like, same team.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Be on my Team like that is now our code word. Like, you know, people have their safety, we’re like pineapples.
Amy Vaughan:
I’m like, same team, same team. I love that. That’s great. It is, it’s true. It’s really hard, I think, you know, I, I even see it. I have a 12 year old daughter at home, you know, and I’m trying to teach her this, trying to teach her this now because it’s going to be such an important aspect of, of what she, how she works in the future. Because again, I mean, just think about it, y’.
Lauren LeMunyan:
All.
Amy Vaughan:
How much time have we spent in our lives, lives just spiraling on things that, that are inference, you know, that are us applying stories and narratives that aren’t really there. And I think, you know, being able to recognize those types of thinking patterns will help you and, and everyone in return. It’s not about being a doormat. It’s not about giving total grace. Yes, you are allowed to get mad. Get mad, that’s fine. But also like, make sure you have the right information about getting mad.
Lauren LeMunyan:
It’s your choice to get mad. And also keep in mind that everything is neutral until you apply a thought to, to it.
Amy Vaughan:
I like that too.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And you are the one who gets to decide the thought.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes. Yes. Yep. And just because you think it doesn’t make it true. We say that one around the house a lot too.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah, well, your, your feelings are valid, but they might be lying to you.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes. Yes. 100. That’s just it.
Lauren LeMunyan:
And, and have grace. Like we’re all freaking humans. We’re, we’re humaning the crap out of this life. And it’s sometimes really messy. Like it’s meant to be messy. That’s where you get fertilizer from for things to grow. But it’s just like, be kind to yourself. Like we’re not meant to get this perfectly right.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s been a big thing for me too, is just reminding myself, I mean, grace, sometimes I say that and it doesn’t stick for me, but the other night I was, I was laying in bed with my racing, ruminating thoughts and I was like, be gentle, be gentle. Like to me that word just hit different. It’s like such nuance and it’s a little pedantic, but find that word, find that phrase, find that reminder so that when you start to kind of get into those spiral moments that you can bring yourself out of it because it’s professionally speaking, speaking personally speaking, it’s going to keep you more present, you know?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah. Which is.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah. So one thing I would just add, when you’re doing that, please, for your listeners, too, you can have that thought. Be gentle, and then you need to have body sensation, too. So whether that means that you’re rocking or like, just like tapping on your heart, is that signaling? Okay, we can release it. Yeah, we’re safe.
Amy Vaughan:
Good reminder in your body.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah.
Amy Vaughan:
Lauren. I also want to remind listeners, too, because I was thinking about it while we were talking, but you’ve made so many good points. I’m like, oh, my gosh, I have so much to say and share too, is that we do have an episode on tapping. We have a whole podcast episode with. I can’t even remember what the term is now, where it’s like, you can
Lauren LeMunyan:
learn how to somatic awareness.
Amy Vaughan:
There’s like an EMF or something. I don’t remember anyways. Concussion brain. I’ll blame it on that. But like, the tapping for, like, your face, but then also on your hands and like, things you can kind of do even when you’re on zoom calls or in meetings to help kind of
Lauren LeMunyan:
calm and regulate stress. If someone’s pissing you off, do this underneath your desk or just crab claws,
Amy Vaughan:
you know, get out the room. I’m just kidding.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah. Also, if. If you’re getting wound up in a conversation, this is why having a pen and paper is so important. Like, just write down words that are coming up because you need to get it out of your head and put it somewhere else. Like, energy needs a home, and that’s the perfect place to play to put it.
Amy Vaughan:
So much good stuff in this episode, Lauren. I’m loving it. All right. What does a sustainable transformation actually look like from day to day? Not necessarily the peak moments, but maybe those ordinary practices of becoming who you’re designing yourself to be, that maybe we just kind of are. Again, we’re so busy and, like, I just check off the thing off my list. That’s it. That’s it. That’s success. Right? What else is there, Lauren?
Lauren LeMunyan:
To me, it’s. It’s just about the intentionality of, like, just having that. That check in of asking yourself, how’s this working for me? What do I want to do more of? What do I want to do less of? What do I want to add in? What do I want to take away? Like, all of those things. It takes, like, two minutes every day. And so sustainability to me doesn’t say I’m doing the same thing every day, but it’s saying I’m looking at. If I was a vehicle, what are the things I need to maintain? What are the things I need to fill up? What are the things I need to do, like, I need my keys. I need to make sure that I, you know, am shifting into gear and I’m looking around and making sure I don’t, you know, roll over something, something. Think of that as your life, as you are, like, entering spaces and. And starting your day and not of, like, how do you want to start up? How do you want to, like, drive to your destination? And. And I think if you see this as something for you, this is the gift that you give yourself. Every day, busyness starts to look a little different. Productivity looks a little different because you’re going to be very intentional about what creates the most impact for me and what I’m about today and how can I make the life for other people a little bit better?
Amy Vaughan:
That’s great. I was gonna say, for me, for whatever reason right now, to me, transformation is the ability for at least two minutes in my day to stop, slow down, and look around because I’m not running a million miles a minute. You know, between being a mom of two, you know, know two businesses. It’s like, you know, I got a dog recently, which is just like. Sounds like it’s adding to the responsibilities, but it gets me out.
Lauren LeMunyan:
They’re great for mindfulness, right?
Amy Vaughan:
We get outside, we go for a walk. And I like it. To me, a good day is when I get the chance to look up at the sky, whether it’s looking at the stars at night, sunset, sunrise, or just the middle of the day and noticing the clouds. Like, to me, that’s a good day if I actually get to step outside and. And just be still enough to look up and see the sky. And it sounds so sad, but, like, how many. When’s the last time y’ all looked up at the sky? Do you remember what was up there? What time of day it was, where you were.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Can I offer something else?
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah, please.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Every day I can open my eyes.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Every day I can take a deep breath is a good day, because that is not guaranteed.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes, guaranteed. And I feel like sometimes the simpler you can make those things. Like, it’s just reinforcing. Speaking of dogs and training puppies, like, right. Reinforce the good. Notice those. Those little things, the gratitude there.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yeah. Well, it’s also like, we’re doing the things we’re doing because they were set up so long ago. That’s our default. And so the work that we’re doing now is reprogramming your default systems. It’s going to take X amount more effort to do that and it’s, and it’s going to try to reset because our brains want to keep us safe and do the same thing. So no, this is going to be a little challenging. It’s going to feel weird, it’s going to feel awkward, but that’s what you want to feel like. That awkward baby giraffe feeling means that you’re on to something.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah. If you’re not comfortable, then you’re doing it. Right.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Let’s make it awkward and weird.
Amy Vaughan:
Right, let’s go. I’m always down for that. All right, if someone was to walk away from this conversation, ready to start, what is the very first thing that you would tell her to do?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Go to my website. So we actually have a new offering. Future Self Design is going to be a two part live intensive where I’m doing live coaching and walking you through a workbook and prompts. So you can do that, you can revisit it and go through it. And we also train coaches in this framework too. So it started as coach training. It is ICF approved. It’s 13 CCES. So that’s a great, great option and you get to walk away with the workbook and things like that. So whether you’re in the coaching space or you are a leader, a powerful woman or you want to be more powerful, like it’s, it’s there. So it’s future self design dot com. My website is spitfirecoach.com . We have a podcast, tons of resources, a YouTube channel, and all that jazz.
Amy Vaughan:
Fantastic. Wonderful, wonderful. All right, everybody, be sure to check out the website. I love you. I was getting ready to ask you to drop the URL. We’ll include it in the show notes as well. All right. I don’t see any questions coming through in the chat, so we’re going to jump into the power round, but I’ll keep an eye in case anything comes through. Power round is just kind of quick fire, short, fun answers, fun questions for us to just wrap up with. All right. What is one belief about yourself you had to let go of to become who you are.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Now I need to do it all.
Amy Vaughan:
Yeah. What does your future self know that your past self really needed to hear?
Lauren LeMunyan:
That everything I need is already established and I just need to trust the process.
Amy Vaughan:
I love it. Oh, trust the process. I’m trying. I’m trying. All right, finish this sentence. Designing your future self isn’t about being blank. It’s about blank.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Designing your future self isn’t about getting it right. It’s about being curious.
Amy Vaughan:
I love it. Best piece of advice you’ve ever received about leading yourself first,
Lauren LeMunyan:
Ask for help and be willing to accept it.
Amy Vaughan:
Yes, the receiving part, that’s hard. I think the question is scary. So at Together Digital, we do this practice of asking, give. And it’s like deer in headlights. When you ask a woman, how can I help you? They’re like, what? Nobody ever asks me that. You know? And we just aren’t conditioned to ask for help. So it’s like, I don’t even know where to start. Right. Because your mind just goes into it. Definitely deer in headlights moment. But it’s a muscle that you begin to build, which is why we really encourage it in our slack channels. At our conferences and events, we’re like, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask. And the next part that always is like the gut punch to the ladies is, okay, now that you’ve gotten all this amazing information and ideas, what are you gonna do with it? Like, are you willing to receive this?
Lauren LeMunyan:
Yep.
Amy Vaughan:
Because, yeah, we feel like we have to do it all and we have to do it all alone. But not the case, my friends.
Lauren LeMunyan:
We’re not meant to. No, outsource. It’s good for the economy.
Amy Vaughan:
Right? Preach. Let’s do it. Oh, Lauren, thank you so much. This has been such an amazing conversation. I think it’s exactly what our community and I even do. I know I needed to hear today. So thank you so much for showing up, for sharing and being so open and vulnerable for everyone who is listening today. You know, check out Together Digital. Check out Lauren’s websites, check out her workshops. I know I will be. I appreciate you so much for being here and for all of you listening, and most of all for you, Lauren, thank you for being an amazing guest.
Lauren LeMunyan:
Thank you for having me.
Amy Vaughan:
Absolutely. All right, everyone, that’s all that we have for you today. Until then, keep asking, keep giving, and keep growing. We’ll see you next time. That was perfect.
